We pitched an all-out battle between two meat-free bacon-style rashers: Cheatin' and Quorn. The judges put each contestant through its paces with recreations of classic bacon dishes. First, meet our judges: a lifetime bacon fan and a vegetarian who has never tried the stuff.

Dani: I don’t know what bacon tastes like. My family is Jewish, and while we were never very religious, pork products were strictly off the dinner table. I became a vegetarian before I hit my teens, so I missed out on the usual teenage experimentation with illicit things like double bacon cheeseburgers. Bacon has never appealed to me. The smell is overpowering and sickly, and reminds me of hangovers spent in festival food tents and greasy spoons. I know that the world is ravenous for the stuff, but even the thought of eating the fake version is slightly off-putting.

Jason: I’m eating bacon right now. My right hand is typing these words whilst my left lovingly cradles a BLT sandwich. I’m eternally grateful to bacon, which has improved countless meals and rescued me from too-many hangovers. As much as I love vegetarian food, there is little that can compare to the sublime combination of salt, fat and deliciousness that is a good bacon-based product. Consequently, I’ve never experienced fake bacon. Why would I? It’d be like eating fake chocolate, or having a fake cup of tea.

Round One: First Impressions

Dani: Quorn’s rashers are uniform pink strips, not unlike a roll of bubblegum tape laid out on a plate. They have the flat, flawless consistency of processed luncheon meat. This is what I imagine soylent pink might look like. In contrast, the Cheatin’ rashers look more appetising. Their lighter colour seems more natural, perhaps because it’s a more convincing flesh tone, and each strip has a meat-marbled texture and faux fat at its side.

Jason: It’s not just that Quorn’s rashers don’t look like bacon. they don’t look like food. They remind me of Play-Doh, the sort of thing only a three-year old would be willing to put in their mouth. The Cheatin’ rashers replicate the shape of a slice of back bacon. Like Quorn, they’re too thin and homogeneous but at least they’re making an effort to appear edible.

Round Two: Nowhere To Hide

Dani: The Cheatin’ rashers crisped up nicely but had a distinct lack of flavour. I eat a lot of disappointing fake meat products and this was particularly underwhelming, like chewing on a thin piece of foam. There was more to taste in the Quorn rashers but it was the ‘miscellaneous meat’ flavour that is present in many vegetarian alternatives. I doubt this is even close to what bacon is supposed to taste like.

Jason: The blandness of the Cheatin’ rashers is very disappointing, whilst its texture is rubbery and weird. It’s hard to tell what’s meant to be going on. Not bacon, certainly. Unlike Cheatin’, the Quorn rashers don’t look like they’re cooking. They just sit there in the pan. There’s a slight smokiness that approximates bacon, but it’s like someone from the Middle Ages trying to draw a picture of a car.

Round Three: The Bacon and Egg Buttie

Dani: The weak flavour of the Cheatin’ rashers meant that they got lost within the rich egg-soaked bread, offering nothing except synthetic padding. The Quorn rashers made sense alongside the fried egg and toasty bread. I can imagine eating this as a heartier alternative to egg-on-toast on a Sunday morning.

Jason: It’s difficult to go wrong with a bacon and egg buttie. Somehow Cheatin’ have managed it. Oof. With its appearance forgotten and the texture hidden by other ingredients, Quorn’s fake smokiness complements the buttie relatively well. I wouldn’t kick it out of bed.

Round Four: American-style Pancakes with Bacon and Maple Syrup

Dani: The crisp texture of the Cheatin’ rashers worked well against the soft pancake but its distinct lack of flavour let it down again. However, the savoury Quorn rashers combined with the sticky sweetness of the syrup was a taste sensation. If only the rashers could have been crispier, this would have made a superb vegetarian dish.

Jason: In between the pancake and the maple syrup is a flavour vacuum called Cheatin’. It’s mostly inoffensive, but adds nothing except a few dozen calories. The Quorn and syrup combination is a pleasant surprise--they work pretty well together. If someone served this dish to me, I would get over the disappointment relatively quickly.